The Meaning of Fatherhood

I've got some catching up to do with entries here. So, although Father's Day was last month, here's my Father's Day column:


First published in The Daily Sentinel, Friday, June 13, 2008.

Father’s Day is special to me – and not because I am the proud father of three children. It’s special to me because it allows me to honor my own father. I have written before about my mother and her impact on my life, but now it’s Dad’s turn to get a few words of gratitude.

My relationship with my father has been very rocky at times. As a young boy, I feared Dad more than Mom. It might have had something to do with a black leather belt! Yet, that belt was not used very often – and never in an abusive manner.

When my mother died, my dad and I grew very close. In some ways, that first year after Mom became my time to function as substitute-mom for my younger brother and sister. I took over transportation duties, much of the meal preparation, and delegated household chores. At the same time, I also held down a part-time job at the JC Penney in the mall. It was an early introduction to the demands and responsibilities of adulthood, and my dad was there to help me through it.

Then I went away for college. Without realizing it at the time, I went away for good. I no longer took up residence in my dad’s house for more than a few days at a time. I went through many changes when in college, and so did Dad and my siblings. Dad remarried. I was happy for him, but I did not go to the wedding – I had scheduling conflicts with my job near the university.

Towards the end of my collegiate days, I started dating the woman who would become my wife. She came from a different branch of Christianity than the one in which I was raised. Those differences in how she expressed her faith in Jesus and how Dad expressed his faith created even more tension. In short, Dad did not want me to marry her. I very much wanted to marry her. Our relationship suffered over that conflict even more.

During my seminary education, I read some books that discussed the idea of fatherhood and God. From a very strong feminist perspective, the idea of calling God “Father” is problematic. Ruth Duck, a professor of worship at a seminary near Chicago, published “Gender and the Name of God” in 1991. She wrote: “Although ‘Father’ has a place in Christian worship among other metaphors for God, I have come to believe that this metaphor should not be so predominant in Christian worship. ‘Father’ has unfortunate associations for many in North American society, in which patriarchal values condone the abuse of children by their fathers.”

I don’t have room in this forum to fully develop Duck’s position, much less respond to it. But I do think that she has created a question that should be discussed much more among Christians: Do we develop our understandings of who God is based on our human relationships, or do we develop our human relationships based on how we understand God?

If my ideas of God were based on my earthly father’s relationship with me, then I would be an incredibly confused person! As much as I love my dad, he does not come even close to revealing my understanding of God. If I were to limit my understandings of God to what I have experienced with my dad, then God is not worthy of worship.

Please don’t get me wrong! If I were to draw up a two-column chart listing Dad’s good and bad sides, the good side would be twice as long the bad side. My dad has many admirable qualities: generosity, honesty, integrity, commitment, loyalty, humor, and more. But he still has some negative qualities: short-sightedness, stubbornness, and arrogance, to name a few. And I recognize most of my good and bad qualities are inherited from him. I deal with stubbornness, arrogance, and having s short fuse. I also strive to be honest, generous, and loyal.

Rather than projecting all of my father’s good qualities onto God (and conversely making God subject to Dad’s shortcomings), I recognize that God is the SOURCE of all the good qualities I have experienced from Dad. As for Dad’s negatives, they come from the truth that we are all sinners who fall short of God’s glory (see Romans 3:23).

What kind of gods are imagined when human characteristics are imposed upon them? Think back to your Greek mythology lessons in junior high school. Take Zeus, who would inflict punishments on a whim, who had troubles with lust, who had a jealous wife, and who ultimately was feared rather than loved by his people.

Now consider how God is described in 1 John 4:14-19: “We have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

That’s how fathers should try to live, and I thank God that my Dad – despite his faults – has tried to exemplify God’s love to me. I am grateful to report that today, my dad and I enjoy a much stronger relationship. He loves my wife and has accepted her fully into the family, and he’s been the best long-distance grandfather for my kids! Happy Father’s Day, Dad!